Today, i feel so disappointed in my life. I’ve never in my life ever had to turn in a paper late. And i’ve never in my life had no drive to accomplish something that was really important to me. Today i was just butchered with words by my boyfriend; he kept persisting on my capabilities with this paper. I know he means well, it just wasn’t the day for his positive reassurance; or should i say redundant insistence.
I got my history paper back; i’m not so pleased. I feel like my TA doesn’t appreciate the way i write. She told me to go see the writing center because my grammar is not p to par, and i’m awkward. I think that’s what set me off the whole day; and that’s what made me not want to persevere with my 10 f-ing page paper. She made me feel so dumb. She ripped me apart with the few words she wrote. And ever since i’ve felt like i wasn’t ever going to be able to live up to my peers.
I just feel like when i was in high school i was given the opportunities that every one’s been given, but i never took the time and realize the beauty of knowledge. It’s really hard to explain, but i’ve always felt this way - and i’ll try to elaborate as much as possible. - i’ve always done/copied well in school, whether i’ve absorbed the material or not; it seems like after a test or something important without hesitation i’d throw that piece of information away. I’ve never really gave any appreciation to what i was given.
Oh how i wish this key consisted in my life, it would all be perfect.
Once college started i’ve realized all the easy loop holes i’ve surpassed in high school has bitten me in the arse in college. I was not prepared at all for what college has thrown in my face; i failed one of my classes my first semester, i’ve gotten C’s, & been put on probation. That’s when my eyes opened, and saw what i’ve missed. I’ve realized high school wasn’t a joke, and that i’ve really taken it for granted. I look at my roommate and envy her intelligence, and i feel that using bigger and complicated words would make me look some what at her level. It’s sad how i hide my true inadequate colors, and be someone i’m not. Though who i’m striving to be is not something others might want, but i want to be smart, intelligent,and intellectual. i don’t think i can hide any longer, i’ll just be dumb forever.
i feel so dumb. dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. i’m a dunce, a failure. Why does this feeling refuses me to be who i really wanna be? Ugh.
This paper has made me see i’m not who i wanna be yet. I’m very disappointed in myself. I’m sorry for lying to everyone. I’m sorry that i told everyone that i’ll be fine, when deep down i was scared that i wasn’t capable to manage some sort of effortless words like other people are competent of doing. I couldn’t even gain any type of satisfaction from this assignment. And that’s why i acted happy to everyone, and ignored my paper when everyone asked because i didn’t want everyone to see how pathetic i am.
In all honesty, i’m sad.